The First Time
by LadyNightRunner
Summary: Every soldier has a first time, and when Zack's time comes around, it's up to Angeal to make sure it doesn't break him beyond all repair.  Rated T for mentioned gore, bloodshed, war, and traumatic events.


So this came out of nowhere. I wrote it in less than two days and it's undergone no editing aside from the odd typo. What you see here is essentially brain to keyboard work, and I am insanely pleased with it.

You ought to be aware that we are operating here with Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth as an established triad that occasionally brings Zack into the bedroom, and that we are using an alternate timeline in which Zack serves in the war at the same time as all three of them. From there...you'll see.

* * *

Angeal often wished he could still be a regular 1st Class SOLDIER, but one of the times he didn't wish it was during the rainy season in Wutai. There, he shared a small, rather damp cabin with Sephiroth and Genesis at whichever base he was at, though it was rare that all three of them were at the same base and off duty at the same time. There were few things worse than being wet and stuck in a tent. At least in the cabin he could let his clothes dry.

This was, in fact, what he was doing one evening at Da-Nang; he was perched on a chair, tipping it back onto two legs, and reading over a new set of strategies sent in by the idiots back in Midgar. He was honestly more interested in the cup of tea and brandy at his elbow, and also in the facts that Genesis was sprawled out on the bed utterly naked, moaning about the humidity, and that Sephiroth was reading another copy of the strategies on the slightly musty couch, occasionally shooting Angeal looks that said he was more than welcome to come over and join him if he liked.

The door banged open. This set off a flurry of frantic movement as all three SOLDIERs in the cabin grabbed weapons.

"'geal?" Zack stumbled inside. He was covered in mud and blood and shredded vegetation, and he looked very pale under it.

Angeal dropped the sword at once.

"What is it?" He resisted the urge to run for his Puppy and check him for injuries. This was war, after all, and he was trying to let Zack grow up. "Are you alright?"

"I think….I think maybe I'm hurt in a few places," Zack mumbled. "I dunno. I feel sort of numb."

"Numb? From poison?"

"I dunno."

Angeal sighed and went over to Zack, taking his arm and steering him over to the table.

"Get those clothes off," he said softly. "I'll get you cleaned up. Why didn't you go to the med tents?"

"I couldn't. I mean…'s not like it's anything big, I feel sort of okay. I just…just…I had t' come here."

"Why?"

Zack looked up at Angeal from the chair. His eyes looked enormous, ringed as they were by mud and grime, and they glittered wetly.

"What happened, Puppy?"

"My unit," Zack whispered. "We were clearing a supply road in the jungle, and there was…there was an ambush. It was real close-quarters fighting. They were in the trees, in the bushes….some of them were even buried in the mud, just waiting for us. Couldn't use our guns. Had t' use hands and knives and maybe a sword if you could take a step back." He gulped. "It was a mess."

Angeal nodded. He hated close fighting for that exact reason.

"I'd never…never…" Zack gulped, blinking furiously. "I gutted this one guy, by accident. He was right up in my face and I just stabbed and jerked, and then…th-then he was screaming and bleeding and my arm got…it got…my arm got caught in his intestines. And he was still screaming, right up until I cut his throat, and…he d-d-died." Tears welled up in his eyes, momentarily trapped by the mask of mud covering Zack's face. Then they began to track their way through the mess, dripping onto Zack's equally filthy shirt.

"Your first real kill?" Angeal asked gently.

Zack nodded.

"And there were others?"

"Y-yeah."

"You did good, Puppy, getting back here first."

"B-but I didn't," Zack whimpered through the tears.

"Didn't what?"

"After the fight was over, I was…was…I just…it _hit_ me. I w-was covered in someone else's b-blood and they were dead and I wasn't and I had killed them and they were only fighting to protect their home and their families and Angeal I'm a _monster_ and then I got sick and I couldn't stop and I know it's stupid because you do this all the time and I can't be a good soldier if killing scares me but it was so awful and I passed out and now I don't know what to d-d-do!" Zack burst into desperate sobs, trying to curl up in the chair. It hadn't been intended for that kind of movement, and it tipped over, sending Zack rolling into a heap of limbs and mud and misery at Angeal's feet.

Angeal knelt and gathered Zack up against his chest. "Shhhh, it's okay, Puppy. It's going to be okay."

Genesis appeared in the doorway to the cramped bedroom. He had put on a very brief pair of shorts.

"First kill?" he asked softly. Angeal nodded. "Poor kid."

Sephiroth got up on his knees and peered over the couch at Angeal and Zack.

"Is he going to be sick?"

"Already has been, I think. It sounded like that was what he said."

"Good." Sephiroth got up and padded over, dropping onto the floor beside Zack and Angeal. He reached out and stroked Zack's hair thoughtfully. "I remember my first."

"So do I." Genesis wrinkled his nose. "You hardly kept anything down for _days_."

"Shut up and get over here."

Genesis sighed and did as he was told, settling on Angeal's other side. Angeal rearranged his student to that he was easier for all three men to be closer to, and they settled in to wait until he calmed down.

Zack didn't calm down. He progressed from desperate sobbing to broken sobbing to great, gasping, choking sobs, curled up with his knees hugged tight to his chest. Genesis made a few scathing remarks about the way it looked- Zack didn't cry neatly at the best of times, and the complete breakdown combined with the effect the weather had been having on everyone at the base resulted in a red-faced, tear-stained, snotty mess that even Angeal was a little hesitant to deal with.

"He's going to make himself sick," Genesis said distastefully. "I don't care if he was sick earlier."

"I know, but there's not much I can do that this point," Angeal murmured. He rubbed Zack's shoulders slowly, which didn't seem to be helping Zack but helped Angeal feel like he was doing _something_.

"I-i-i-i….." Zack whimpered. "I d-don't…'geal, I don't f-f-feel good."

"Oh, here we go," Genesis groaned. He backed up a little.

"It's okay," Angeal soothed. "It'll be better if you try and breathe a little."

Zack shook his head. His hands slipped away from his shins, letting his body relax out of the tightly curled position it had been in. He coughed hard. "F-feel sick."

"I know."

"Th-th-think I'm g-gonna puke."

"That's alright."

"They made fun of m-me. My squad. S-s-said I'm a p-p-pussy 'cuz I c-couldn't t-t-take a little b-blood." Zack shuddered. "C-couldn't even t-t-tell 'em t' f-fuck off 'cuz I w-was too sick."

"We aren't going to do that," Sephiroth said gently. "We've been there too."

"I d-don't wanna…don't wanna b-b-b…_nkk_!" Zack jerked forward, gulping convulsively and clutching at his stomach. Fresh tears flooded down his cheeks. "Nnnn…..nuh-uh…._hllgk_!"

Sephiroth silently stroked Zack's hair back as he heaved and retched. There was very little in his stomach, but that didn't stop him, and it was some time before he tipped over on his side and lay there, panting but otherwise silent.

Angeal got to his feet and picked Zack up. "Come on, Puppy. You need a shower and a first aid kit and a bowl of oatmeal."

Zack sniffled and turned to cling to Angeal.

"Okay."

"I'll get the kit," Sephiroth offered.

"I suppose that leaves me with the oatmeal," Genesis sighed. "Let me know when you're done scrubbing him, Angeal."

"Will do."

The bathroom door closed. Genesis and Sephiroth both got to their feet, pausing to look back at the bathroom door.

"He just _had_ to be in a squad with a bunch of assholes," Genesis muttered. "First kill is hard enough without a gaggle of idiots telling you that being upset by it isn't manly."

"Not everyone can afford to give their emotions as much freedom as we can," Sephiroth reminded him. "They don't have the kind of support we do."

"It's still ridiculous. I can guarantee that at least half of them were just as devastated after their first kill, and I bet a few of them even soiled themselves after or during it. At least Zack just threw up and waited to break down until _after_ he returned to camp."

Sephiroth shrugged and went to rummage in the few cabinets their meager kitchenette boasted, looking for the first aid kit.

"You get to clean up."

"_What_?"

"I'm busy, and so is Angeal."

"Ew!"

"Not my fault you didn't think of it before I did. Get the mop."


End file.
